Hyphen magazine - Asian American arts, culture, and politics

Dear InterrogAsian,

Why do Asian American males always use electric razors to shave? My white friends recently had a discussion about how when we all go to house parties, they scour the bathroom medicine cabinets for Mach3 razor blades. I couldn't relate. I then thought about all the people I know and realized that all the Asian American guys I know only use electric razors. What gives? And if there is such a connection between race and technology, why do I only see white guys in Braun ads?

-Baby Soft Cheeks

Ladies, move along to the next question as it's about to get very masculine up in here. The impulse at first is to chastise your pals, Baby Soft Cheeks, for snooping for Mach3 razors, but then I thought, yeah, MachS razor blades are amazing and expensive. If those blades are touching Asian faces, they'll last four years minimum, so those razors can be considered long-term investments. The history of Asian face-shaving goes roughly like this: High school years were strictly about yellow BICs, and then around senior year through college, it was the floating blade Norelco copped from your dad's Christmas stash of Gifts He'll Never Use. So why do Asian guys stick with the electric razor? Simple: Facial hair on most Asians-Sikhs excluded obviously-is on the pokier side and takes 34 percent longer to grow than white facial hair. An electric razor mows down the errant apostrophes faster so Asians can get back to doing what they do best: crunching code and cutting you off in traffic. And as for your question about only white guys in Braun ads: Braun is a German company (now owned by Proctor & Gamble). Insert gratuitous World War II joke here.

Dear InterrogAsian,

I'm not sure if it's intentional or not, but your column, complete with a stereotypical Charlie Chan type Asian image as the logo at the top, is a complete copy of -ASK A MEXICAN!-a column run in many "alternative" newspapers across the country.

-Brown Pride

-ASKA MEXICAN! by the awesome Gustavo Arellano, which appears in the OC Weekly, is an obvious inspiration for this column and so are Dear Abby, Ask Amy and Savage Love. The big difference, now pay attention here, is that 'ASK A MEXICAN! takes questions about Mexicans, chido chino. InterrogAsian, on the other hand, is about Tokyo drifting, earwax and Bizarre Love Triangle. Recognize, fool! P.S. Go buy the -ASK A MEXICAN! book; it's on Amazon and it's awesome!

Dear InterrogAsian,

What is up with Asian porn? How did it get so, um, big?

-Harry DePalma, your coworker

There was a time when a peek behind the dirty curtain of the local video emporium only showed a few titles with "Asian" themes. Easy to spot, the coquettish Asian female was usually surrounded by explosive Chinese restaurant menu font mixing up sex and food metaphors ("These horny whorientals will fry your rice!"). But with the advent of the Internet, one could make the case that Asian porn is taking over. Tera Patrick is part Thai, and Annabel Chong took overachievement to a new level in the World's Biggest Gangbang, but Asian Americans are still considered a niche delicacy in the bountiful hornyo-plenty that is porn. It's more of a go-to joke due to the onset of spam emails touting Asian XXXtasy than anyone from the tribe challenging the Jenna Jamesons of the porn world. So sexy Asians, step your game up. We took over street racing and DJ battles, let's get to sexing. Gotta run, Chinese delivery guy's at the door! Bow chicka wow-wow.

Don't know Grace Park from Chan Ho Park? Direct your Asian culture questions to interrogasian@hyphenmagazine.com.